But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” – Exodus 3:11 (NIV)
I’m not Roman Catholic, but I almost feel as if a confession is in order. “Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been two years since my last blog post.” It was not my intent to take a two year hiatus and a lot has transpired over that time. My burning passion and desire to write waned. I almost allowed the circumstances of life to completely snuff out that fire, although a weak ember or two remained. The longer I went without writing, the harder it was to resume. The longer I went; another plate was added to the barbell until it became too hard to lift.
Looking back, I now realize it was fear and a sense of inadequacy that caused me to slow down and then eventually quit writing. The funny thing was this feeling came after I had written over 70 posts. After I quit, people remarked how much they had enjoyed reading my post and if I planned to resumed writing them again. I’d wince in my spirit everything I got that question. I would blame a very hectic work schedule, which was in partially true. Deep down I knew there was another reason why I quit and the struggle it would be for me to resume.
Fear and a sense of inadequacy caused me to have a misplaced focus, a focus on me. Who did I think I was to have the audacity to put my writing out into the world for consumption? What if the writing wasn’t that good? What if I was criticized?” Was I writing to bring attention to myself? I was like an opera singer tuning up before a performance it was all about, “me-me-me-me-meeee.”
Sometimes God will permit a period of idleness and inactivity in our lives to allow for examination, introspection and healing. That’s what he did in my case. I have reaffirmed that God did implant in my heart the passion and desire to write about him and to share this writing with the world. I needed to be courageous and vulnerable enough to once again release to the world what God has placed inside of me. I had to allow God, not me to worry about the reception. I needed to handle my business and allow God to handle his.
Grappling with feelings of personal inadequacies in response to God’s call and questioning God’s power to see us through is an oft repeated theme in scripture. We famously see this when God called Moses. Life coach and former pastor, Kary Oberbrunner, points out there are two questions Moses ask God, “who am I and who are you?” The first question is found Exodus 3:11, But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Moses asks his second question in Exodus 3:13, Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
If you know Moses’ back story, you know he was raised in the household of Pharaoh. Moses attempted to liberate the Hebrews by his own hand by killing an Egyptian overseer who mistreated a Hebrew slave (Exodus 2:11-12). This act caused Moses to be banished from Egypt and live in Midian for 40 years. By the time God appeared to Moses at the burning bush, his former splendor was gone and he was an old man at the age of 80. Moses likely felt his best days were behind him, and the zeal he once had to liberate his people had been reduce to fear and aversion.
God makes a habit of manifesting his power in the most unlikely situations when we’ve lost all hope, are beyond our own strength and feel like we’ve blown it. He does this so we won’t glory in our own accomplishments and those who witness them will realize there’s no way we could have done it without the power of God.
God has equipped all of his children with unique gifts and placed dreams and passions in their hearts. Are you feeling as if your God-implanted dreams are dead or deferred? Do not give up on them! Work diligently at your craft (2 Timothy 1:6) remembering God can restore the lost opportunities (Joel 2:25). If if you cooperate with God, he will accomplish what he intended through you. (1 Thess. 5:24).
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; (Psalm 138:8a).